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Marcus Brooks
Invitation to the Dance - Reflections
Dating Advice
Various Partner Dances

Fellas… Afraid of Rejection?

by Marcus Brooks
July 1, 2002

Fellas… Afraid of Rejection?

by Marcus Brooks


    - an agitated feeling aroused by awareness of danger or trouble
    - an uneasy feeling that something may happen contrary to one's desires
    - a reason for dread or apprehension

The funny thing is that humans are born with only two fears. The first being a fear of loud noises, the second, being a fear of falling. All others are learned. Fear is probably the largest inhibitor in a person's life. I'm not speaking about true phobias: agoraphobia Ð fear of open or public places; xenophobia Ð fear of strangers; arachnophobia Ð fear arachnids or spiders. I'm talking about your more subtle, yet still debilitating fears. The one's you probably would not seek therapy for. Fear of rejection and embarrassment, for example. All of the fears that cause you to think What IF… .

Let's talk about fear of rejection… . A classic example can be found at your local watering hole - a bar or nightclub. I have watched many a gentleman stand on the side lines, sometimes in groups, mustering enough courage to invite a lady out onto the dance floor. This has to be the most absurd thing ever! I watch them as they formulate reasons why a particularly attractive lady would not want to dance with them. "She probably does not like this song." "Perhaps she's just waiting for her boyfriend to arrive." "Maybe it's a girls night out and I don't want to disrupt the estrogen concentration." In the back of their minds they are thinking what if she says "No." What if I am REJECTED! I'll have to walk all the way back to my corner with my head hung low and pretend as if a bit of my (very fragile) male ego has not been crushed. Alas fellas, I have the solution to overcoming your fear in this particular realm.

I am making the assumption that you're are not looking for "Mrs. Right" on this particular evening. Instead, you're just looking to have a good time, to dance a little, and perhaps get to learn a little more about someone. I call it the pre-qualification stage.
In this stage, think of baseball. Personally, I'm not a great fan of baseball however, there is a lot to be learned from the sport with respect to overcoming your fear of rejection in the dating realm.

First, acknowledge and accept the fact that you will strike out, the dating equivalent of being rejected. Sooner or later every major league player falls victim to a well-placed fast ball. It's part of the game. As with dating, if you're approaching members of the opposite sex, rejection in some way, shape or form is inevitable.

Second, you must get 3 strikes Ð that's 3 forms of rejection! Keep in mind that the normal response to any solicitation is "No, I'm not interested." Whether it's a person handing out flyers in the street, telemarketers, or a requests of any kind, "No" is the default Ð ask any salesman. Therefore, don't take the first rejection personally. It's just the way many people are hard-coded. Perhaps the "automatic no" stems from our parents' decree that we not take things from strangers? Whatever the case, "no" is the most common response when a stranger offers something. The next two "no's" are when you have the opportunity to shine. I don't particularly believe that you have to be astoundingly eloquent in your approach (though a few Shakespearian lines couldn't hurt). Sincerity coupled with persistence is all you need.

Lastly, think of the All-Star batting average Ð all you need is a 0.300. Someone batting a 0.300 strikes out 70% of the time! If you approach 10 women and 3 of them graciously accept, the chorus of "Hey now you're an All-Star," should be playing in your head. Personally, I have been at a club and have gone down a row of women standing at the bar and repeatedly asked "would you like to dance," "would you like to dance," "would you like to dance" etc. My Stats that evening were just about a 0.250 Ð not too bad for an amateur.

Let's recap… to overcome that fear of rejection at a club, acknowledge the fear, embrace it even, and "when," not "if" you are shot-down, come to the conclusion that you will probably never see that individual ever again. What do you care if they just gave you the worst rejection in the book?

Hopefully, I have shown you that it is quite possible to overcome one's fear of rejection and/or embarrassment in the dating realm. Remember, rejection is inevitable; 3 strikes Ð that's three forms of rejection from every woman you approach. And don't forget that even hopeful All-Stars are hoping to strike out 70% of the time.

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